We talked but got nowhere.
The more and more I think about it, the more I feel as though its better if we just move on. Despite all the lies and deception, my main concern is that he doesn't value me and our relationship. I'm not a priority in his life. Throughout our relationship, I've somewhat always felt this way, but now more than ever. If our relationship was important, he'd make more time for it.
I deleted the post "it's over", I realized I let an anonymous comment get to me. I let my emotions get the best of me for that one. Although I was upset, perhaps the person was right about the fact that he will always be in love with the Hollywood lifestyle. The partying, drinking and drugs will be a part of his life for a long while, and I don't think he can see that one day it will fade and what will he have to show for all of it. He isn't ready to commit to someone wholeheartedly and that is obvious. He would always say that he wasn't ready to get married and settle down. At 27, a real man would be getting his life in order, not just floating by. I honestly wanted him to want to marry me, probably a foolish thought. I don't see myself marrying him anymore. I used to think that we were gonna be together forever. I had names picked out for our kids and everything. When I think of marriage, I think FOREVER. I never want a divorce, so for me to say that I wanted to marry him, is a big deal. Now I feel as though that thought is shattered.
From the day I met him, I can't think of a moment when I've been swept off my feet. Is that bad? He never surprises me or takes me out unless its an occasion. There is no spontaneity, no thoughtfulness. I know I love him and that we are comfortable with one another, but don't you need some of that sparkle? I can't deny that I thought our connection alone was magical. He did give me butterflies and just being close to him would make me happy. I always want him to be close to me. We had something, or at least i thought we did. I guess who needs to define anything by what someone does for you. But i also think that I needed some of that, to feel appreciated and not taken for granted. I believe in grand gestures and unconditional love. It may not be a fairy tale in real life, but you make your own magic.