...Back and Forth

Herro.
I've just returned from New York City, where I had some time to reflect on my relationship. I honestly felt uneasy about being away from my boyfriend for the short 4 days I was gone. Most of the time, I found myself thinking about what he was doing and it definitely made it hard for me to enjoy myself. The constant thought that he was with another girl or even just the recapitulating of all the events that got us here, drove me fucking mad. The mere fact that we were apart also made it difficult. I realize I cant monitor his every move and I'll never know exactly everything he does; I just want to know if I'll be able to trust him again?! I kept asking myself if I could really live this way. I didn't come up with any answers.

One thing I just don't understand is, if a man supposedly loves you more than anything in the world and makes it a point to say that your "the one," how can he have sexual conversations with women online, hide pictures of himself with other women, tell other women that they are sexy, and hang out with other women behind your back. Even if this isn't physically cheating, it's disloyal and disgusting. Whenever I think about it, I just can't imagine his love for me to be true. This all sounds bad, and it truly is but WHY do I now believe him when he says it was harmless and that he does love me. WHY should I believe anything. I'm so confused.